Soul Survivor

I haven't written here since I moved all of that stoopid stuff here from the other site. I surely need to stop being and writing all over the place, settling in one location so that I can find what I've written, and, perhaps, some consistency.

So much has happened. There is a new grandchild, and, of course, he is beautiful and brilliant and his grandma's opportunity to be as foolish as she wants.

My mother quickly disappointed the hopeful throng that thought her stroke and mellowed her behavior and mind, and she even more quickly reverted back to her usual self. She is physically compromised from the stroke, but has regained all of her intellectual and cognitive faculties. Alas, our delight at the new, kinder and gentler mommy was short lived. Her behavior is as cruel as it ever was and I have had to fly across the country in attempts to save her placements. One was a failure, but three times have been successful in keeping her in her current facility. It is a huge expenditure in time, energy and resources to keep doing this, but she does not want to return to a colder climate, despite not having much in the way of family support where she now is located.

My sibs do their best, but nothing is ever good enough for her. It would be easier to feel some compassion for her if her behavior was a result of the strokes (she had another, milder one a few months ago), but she has always behaved in this manner. Truth be told, she used to be much worse, but her current physical condition limits how truly terrible she can be. I was down there for a few weeks over the holidays, and I was once again struck with how wonderful my sibs are, for the time that they do spend with her. It is a serious and seriously sad job to deal with her.

My heart breaks for the unhappiness that surrounds her. She could have a wonderful life, surrounded by loving family, but she continues to deny this lovely option to herself. Her children tolerate her as best they can, her own sibs and their families avoid her completely. This whole thing with her is just the saddest thing ever.

Despite her parenting, we, the sibs, are a pretty darn remarkable group of people. I have two sibs who did not survive her attentions, so, perhaps, it is the process of surviving that has helped us to become the people we are now.

For me, I am choosing only the things that I love. Family, friends, occupation and work. I am going to begin taking some kind of physical activity, but not pilates or yoga, both of which tried to kill me last year.